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| Time: | 10:30 pm. |
| Mood: |  crappy. | | Music: | none :/. |
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something needs to be done about my current living situation. by this, i mean that it is no longer possible for me to survive as long as i am under the same roof as my parents. its really gotten to an awful point. two days cannot pass without a fight and im about to rip my hair out.
fifteen minutes after i started writing this entry now--the interruption was a result of yet another screaming match between us. this time it was even more fun because my dad decided to join in. and how glad i am that he did! i never knew how much fun it could be-discussing pre-marital sex with your father (who im sure never engaged in such disgraceful activities).
they feel the need to always attribute my behavior to someone or something, usually someONE, and since they refuse to believe that they could have had anything to do with the HORRIBLE decisions i've made, they blame it on the people i surround myself with-friends at school (awful human beings because of their decisions to have sex). i'd love for my mom to hear a few stories...of people who she knows and who she's always bragging about, people who she wished i spent more time with. however, i think shes so far beyond the point of disillusionment that even something like that wouldn't have an effet on the way she feels. fuck disillusionment. INSANITY!
there have been plenty of times when i fucked up, came clean, apologized, regretted, felt guilty, promised to change. my grades first semester were relatively shitty, second semester was an improvement, but still not as good as i could've done. i fucked that up, but its getting better. in this situation though, i didn't fuck up. i dont feel guilty. i made a decision based on something real, not just on my impulses. if i thought i did anything wrong, i would've handled this entirely differently, ie APOLOGIZING. but instead, i have no shame in telling my mom that i've made a certain decision, and thats that.
at this point i dont even feeling like clicking the update button. i've satisfied my need for a place to vent about all of this.
now i just want somewhere else to sleep :(
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Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.
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| Time: | 6:33 pm. |
| Mood: | impatient!. | | Music: | the invasion. |
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i am carless for the next twenty four hours or so. this makes me wonder how i managed to survive without my own car last year and the year before. im rarely in my house, and when i am, my parents are not here. i like it that way. the transition of going from being able to do what i want when i want and leaving things to take care of when i feel like taking care of them to being told what to do when my mother wants me to do it is extremely aggravating and i dont see myself getting used to it any time soon. hence my not being here, ever. anyway, my car needs a tune-up or something of the sort. its been driving a little funny lately and my mom being the anal freak that she is, insisted that we bring it in right away.
i am also jobless as of right now. victorias secret looked promising especially after my training/interview went well. this was until they realized i would only be here until late august at which point they decided not to hire me. bastards. i foresee buttercooky bakery in my future :/ anyway..
national jean co. is perhaps the biggest JAP convention/scene known to man. except for maybe the student union at gw. so yeah, i refuse to ever set foot in there again no matter how desperately i need a new pair of jeans. online shopping is the ticket! i need to purchase more pot for tonight. plans to roll a lovely strawberry blunt :) peace.
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Saturday, April 26th, 2003
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| Time: | 12:17 pm. |
| Mood: |  nauseated. |
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one of my two roommates is an atrocious BEAST. this has long been established. however, this morning it has been confirmed--a thousand times over.
jessica and i wake up at the same time, i go into the bathroom and start taking a piss. i'm looking around and i notice black stuff all over the place. it looked like a black pen exploded and got onto the rug, the floor, the shower curtain, the towels, the sink..everything. i knew that the beast had dyed her boyfriends hair black, so possibly they re-did it and this is what happened. fine, black shit all over my bathroom, but jessica and i are troopers, we can handle this. i start washing my face and as i look down i see a massive tub with the label "BLACK FANTASY LIQUID LATEX" with a picture of a womans ass covered in this liquid latex shit. now what in god's name!?!? i don't need to wake up and find black liquid latex all over my bathroom, not to mention the fact that this means she once again fucked her nasty boyfriend in my bathroom, after we already told her that fucking in the bathroom is disgusting because i'd rather not brush my teeth and wash my face in her disgusting nasty disease infected smelliness. i am thoroughly disgusted. she makes me want to puke until i cannot puke anymore.
BLACK LIQUID LATEX? what do you even do with it?! this reminds me of the incident with the strawberry flavored lubricant that spilled all over jessicas bed, and which the beast neglected to clean up. LOVELY.
after i throw up and then pour the tub of BLACK LIQUID LATEX all over the beast's disgusting smelly bed, jessica and i are going out for lunch with brandons mom, the wonderful shari redstone. i am very excited. :)
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Comments: Read 5 or Add Your Own.
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Wednesday, April 23rd, 2003
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it is the first time in what feels like a long time, but isn't really in actuality, that i am genuinely happy. its been school and my friends and my love and my family and all of these things that have made my mind crazy; wandering and psychotic. trying not to sound too corny about all of this, i thought i would document this.
its great outside. and its great to smile and feel like i mean it.
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Thursday, April 17th, 2003
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i went outside and it was almost perfect.
and warm enough for sandals and cold enough to shiver slightly and i sat at that bench and right under that tree as pieces of the blossoms blew onto my shirt and i looked up and there was the blue of the van and the words 'super shuttle' written large across the side, larger than i remembered or maybe it just seemed that way because the moment couldn't have been more perfect, unless of course it was days prior when i sat under the same tree on the same bench in the same weather with the save van, only holding your hand. theres nothing that comes as close to perfection as my hand in yours.
i just spoke to my mother and sometimes she has a way of making situations worse by telling me things that i already know and i dont need to hear again. but today she was talking about boys and girls. she said it's all about the way you feel in their presence. and i'd continue but really, there isn't a way to describe the way i feel with you.
i was thinking of making an entry the night you left and i sat here and waited for words to come out. but nothing did, and i think you know what this feels like. i dont have the desire to even attempt to describe it to anyone. no one understands..
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Monday, February 24th, 2003
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i've been feeling the need to say something or write something and i thought once i started here, whatever it is that i felt like saying would just come out. and that doesn't seem to be happening. i cant really pinpoint the way it is i've been feeling lately. i can say, though, that i've had enough of selfishness in general. in everyone, including myself. and i know that im sick of what it feels like to keep giving and rarely getting anything in return. i know im generalizing and i know im ignoring certain things, certain people that have been different. but in a time like now, when my feelings are hurt and i seem to be crying to people who, as much as they'd like to say they care, their true interests are self-serving, the bad seems to outweigh the good. or at least blind me from people whose interests are not a hundred percent self-serving. i feel like this is going to start sounding like one of carrie's monologues on sex and the city, so i'll stop before i start irritating myself.
as a general rule of thumb, i think its important that people acknowledge the fact that they have done things wrong, and that im not out of my mind for being upset as a result. i dont think i've ever asked for too much, from anyone. a lot of times i feel like there is just a general lack of respect. i think this is the cause of a lot of problems. start respecting someone, and you'll learn not to blame them and manipulate the situation when you've done something to hurt them. with respect comes consideration, and really, thats all im asking for. that thoughts not be so centralized and how this effects YOU and what YOU think should be my reaction, and how this is a burden for YOU and how YOU are too busy to deal with it and the fact that YOU dont think i have anything to be disappointed about.
im meeting my dad for breakfast in a little while. he's in richmond for business and is driving here right now to see me. i am needing to see him right now, as it seems like this entry can be directed to almost anyone in my life with the exception of my family. and its strange how i think i've fought more with them than anyone else. so maybe thats saying something.
i am in love with someone wonderful and indescribable.
and i miss him :/
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Saturday, February 22nd, 2003
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-Perfect- You're the perfect girlfriend. Which
means you're rare or that you cheated :P You're
the kind of chick that can hang out with your
boyfriend's friends and be silly. You don't
care about presents or about going to fancy
placed. Hell, just hang out. You're just happy
being around your boyfriend.
What Kind of Girlfriend Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
i expected nothing different!
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Tuesday, January 21st, 2003
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last night my fortune cookie said this:
Rarely do great beauty and great virtue dwell together as they do in you.
i thought that was lovely!
this morning my alarm clock failed to wake me up. thankfully, carmi was up and strung out on adderral (she hadn't fallen asleep all night) and her fidgeting around woke me up. i throw on jeans and sneakers and walk to class. i am convinced that this class is in room 210. so i go there, but it was the wrong class. so i think, hm..maybe 310? no. 410? no. 510? no. 610? no. so i think hmm maybe class was cancelled and i didn't check my email yet? so i start walking back until it dawns on me to look at my syllabus where it tells me that the class is in room 223. by this time it was 810 so my walking from floor to floor set me back 10 minutes. but i go there anyway. participate a little. it was all good. im just glad no one was really around to see.
tonight i have INTRO TO THE INTERNET. im lookin forward.
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Sunday, January 19th, 2003
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| Time: | 5:45 pm. |
| Mood: |  horny. | | Music: | nelly-air force one. |
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there is this tree that i pass everyday on my way toward the center of campus, away from my dorm. and this tree has dozens upon dozens of pairs of shoes thrown up there, hanging on the branches. we've all wondered what they signified or what the purpose was. this tree stands tall outside of the lovely delta tou delta house. so i found out a few weeks ago that everytime any two frat brothers in that fraternity fuck the same girl, they throw their shoes up onto one of the branches. i thought that was hysterical in a really disgusting/degrading sort of way. either way, i laugh every time i pass it.
its funny to see how the amount of people at the gym increases after the new year. and it'll be even funnier to watch that number dwindle over the next few weeks. i had expected to collapse after five minutes on the elliptical. over the past three weeks i've smoked way too many cigarettes and have had an extremely minimal amount of physical activity in my daily routine with the exception of having sex (and really, what is eight lbs. a year anyway?) and maybe walking from my house to my car. and the four day span at montreal where i was actually forced to WALK to get around. but surprisingly i was able to get right back into it. we'll see what happens over this week. :/ wish me luck.
also, as valentines day plans seem to not be a possibility, upsetting but very understandable, i am now looking forward to spring break even more. i miss the puppy. i miss him in my car and in my basement and in the hotel room and in my room and other things. :/ such is life.
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Friday, December 13th, 2002
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i met emily for lunch in georgetown, which was nice. her friend alexis is very friendly, funny, enjoyable. i had a good time. a little bit of gossip: apparently melanie mooney is pregnant? with TWINS? well it may be wrong of me to post that here, but regardless i dont even know if its true. so yeah, do what you want with that bit of information.
i come back and open up an envelope from the university--my room phone bill. yes i was expecting it to be pretty outrageous but i never thought it would be anywhere near THREE HUNDRED AND SIXTY SEVEN DOLLARS AND SIXTY SEVEN CENTS. keep in mind it is often a problem for me to figure out where i am going to get the $12 for the ride to the airport. how am i going to pay this astronomical amount of money. this is beyond me. i really don't know where this money is going to come from. im assuming since this got billed to me, it will not be sent to my parents, which , yes is a good thing because they would in fact kill me. not necessarily for the amount of money but for the two-hour phone calls, starting at 2am on a monday night when i have class at 930 the next day. :/ but them not being billed for it is also a bad thing because as much as i'd have to deal with their shit, they'd wind up paying for it. bah! what is an unemployed college girl to do :(
six days until finals are over and i am able to breathe again. six days until i go home. i cant wait to peace the fuck out of here after my god forsaken physics final.
i am also experiencing horrible back pains. never has my period caused any back pains, but now , during finals, when i need it the most, i get back pains. lovellyyyyyyy.
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Friday, December 6th, 2002
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it just happened to be the dave matthews performance at some aids benefit on mtv. when i turn on to watch something meaningless, of course i have to see something that has such a huge amount of meaning. and of course, of all songs, he has to be playing ours, because at times when i wont let myself cry, something happens that just makes me. so i text message about it (third time in one night), and get no response. so i call, but not surprisingly it goes straight to your voice mail. i understand my calls (disturbances) arent welcome from you when you're busy. drinking. with your friends. and im sure im coming off like THAT girl(friend) right now, but i couldn't be farther from it and still care/love the way i do.
five minutes later now, you just signed on and it was a task for me to try and decipher what exactly you were saying. if i really wanted to be THAT girl, i'd post that conversation here because all the sadness aside, its comedy, really. the way i put up with that, when i dont even have PERMISSION to call after i've had a few drinks because you just cant handle it. well, it may come as a surprise to you, but there are some things that i JUST CANT HANDLE. and im not always strong enough to tell you about it because when i do i get the same response that any other person would from you. and you get defensive and you become this asshole, so far from the person i love.
true, i could possibly attribute this sudden wave of sadness, feeling of being neglected to the time of the month, but i cant deny the way you make me feel, and i cant help but miss the way i know you could be, the way i wish you would be.
maybe its the distance, cuz i've never experienced such a perfect stretch of five days in my entire life. and there is no one in the world who could've made me feel more special in those five days than you did. so i wonder why it has to stop. i understand the stress, the work, everything you have to do. but there are some things that there is just no excuse for. what am i trying to get at? i dont know. i think if i were trying to get at anything, i would've emailed this but instead im writing because for whatever reason this still makes me feel better.
i just know that i'd do anything to have finals be over and be home again. everything is just infinitely better when we're home.
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Comments: Read 6 or Add Your Own.
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Thursday, December 5th, 2002
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| Time: | 12:17 pm. |
| Mood: |  amused. | | Music: | meet the parents on our new FLAT SCREEN!. |
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so today has finally proven to me that this school-guys, girls, faculty, staff all included-are all a bunch of spoiled jackasses. today it snowed MAYBE three inches and our school gets shut down. apparently our professors are unable to commute to school. first of all, what is wrong with their cars? second of all, why does the district of columbia not know how to handle snow? if i were in new york, the streets would be clear and i'd be dragging my ass to class right now. this really amazes me. last night, i was at a bar in georgetown and they closed early (1245am) because the 'blizzard' was coming. WTF!? i didn't think we were THAT far down south enough for people to not know how to handle a little fucking snow. god forbid these princesses have to walk in their kenneth cole stilettos a few blocks to their intro to communications bull shit class. or the boys who will ruin their pradas if they walk in a little precipitation.
dont get me wrong. im enjoying the fact that i have no classes. im tired, i've been working on this damn paper. but i cannot get over how ridiculous this is. and i cant help but think about suvadip in buffalo walking to school in feet of snow, in a blizzard in negative degree weather. im going to get made fun of :/
(as if i dont know my school is full of a bunch of spoiled pussies)
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Comments: Read 4 or Add Your Own.
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Tuesday, November 5th, 2002
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| Subject: | boring |
| Time: | 5:42 pm. |
| Mood: | content. | | Music: | indigo girls-power of two. |
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I have a new obsession with dried apricots. Today in Physics my professor went off on my class. Up until now, all our assignments have been done online, including exams, quizzes, homework, etc. The class is General Physics for pre-med majors and even though I'm not a pre-med major, I still took it (dont ask me why). ANYWAY, so professor Balbach was fuming because someone emailed him informing him of the widespread cheating going on for the exams. These people get together in big groups and all cheat together. These psychotic anal overworked pre-med majors all get together and cheat their asses off. So he realizes this and is now having all the exams in class in addition to discounting all previous exams, which I've done well on. And believe it or not, I was not involved in any of this cheating business, took the tests on my own, and surprisingly did well. So fuck all these pre-med assholes who ruined it for me. Sitting at my desk, book open, notes open, diet coke in my hand, suvadip assisting me with problems was PERFECT and these fuckers took advantage and now I'm fucking mad.
I got a package from my mom today-some food, magazines, cute stuff, and Floral Park Memorial's newspaper, The Shield. There is a whole page dedicated to the faculty's summer vacation. I've never been so amused! Ms. Lo took a trip to Italy with Mr. DelPrete. Mrs. Faggioni went to the Adirondacks with her family. Ms. Saylor went gambling in Atlantic City. Ms. McGoldrick (aw!) went to Ireland. And Senorita Powers and Mr. Scollo got marrriiieedddd :) It was weird reading about it, funny at the same time. Almost a full page dedicated to the boring lives of the teachers at fpm. I miss it though, I think :/
I got a 28/30 on my Philosphy quiz from a while ago. yayayay!
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Comments: Read 3 or Add Your Own.
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Friday, November 1st, 2002
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get run over: its ABSOLUTELY SNOWING
oohh noo! snowing on my babys head! no boots, no scarf, no gloves! and its only november first!
come back here, its not that cold yet. :(
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Monday, October 28th, 2002
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i dont have words to type. the right ones cant seem to find my fingertips. tears :(
woke up in mid-afternoon, cause thats when it all hurts the most.
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Friday, October 25th, 2002
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earlier i was bending down for a good two minutes looking for something in jessica's bottom desk drawer. i stood up really quickly and got dizzy and lightheaded and couldn't see straight and nearly collapsed onto my bed. it was scary! AND I BLAME IT ALL ON THE IMMENSER PAIN I HAD TO ENDURE THIS AFTERNOON.
today at 230 i was at Blue Mercury getting waxed. i knew it would hurt. i didn't realize it would hurt this much. and i'll spare you the details of my pain and humiliation. but the girl who did it was really cool. i want to befriend her. it still hurts now. she said it would be fine by the end of the night :/
i have awful anxiety right now. waiting for tomorrow...125pm. it seems like it will never get hereeeee.
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Wednesday, October 23rd, 2002
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| Time: | 6:26 pm. |
| Mood: |  angry. | | Music: | dmb-7.29.02. |
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this day has not been so hot thus far. and i have this horrible midterm looming over my head for tomorrow along with a four page paper that counts for thirty five percent of that grade. so along with studying like, 2343897 chapters, i have to write this paper. no use in complaining though, i fuck myself over. so to add to my misery, after a rather frustrating/upsetting conversation earlier today, i start having guilts about the kind of person i am..my self-righteousness, things that i've done in the past, decisions im making now, etc. i dont know why i let myself listen to anyone else, when im the only one who knows how i feel. whatever, this gets worse! so i sign into the dave matthews band fan website to check my ticket status. and i see DECLINED for both nights at msg. well you know what? the fucking warehouse can suck my dick. all of them. Fuck them! i've been in that shit for fucking four years. people who JUST BECAME MEMBERS got tickets. utter fucking bull shit. wait till they hear from me tomorrow.
also, today, sitting down with gaby and rosanna for dinner, i see a tall, very ugly boy and his short little sidekick coming walking toward where we're sitting. hes carrying a tray of food with a bunch of those little open ketchup cups. one falls to the floor, and as it hits, i feel something hit the side of me on my sweater. i look, and theres ketchup on me, on the side of my sweater and on my sleeve. the ugly boy and his sidekick see the ketchup fall to the floor, they smirk, and walk away to a different section. i throw my sandwhich down, get up, follow him over and the conversation goes as follows:
"um, your ketchup just dropped to the floor and it hit my sweater.."
hes just silent and looking at me.
"ok...as if it wasn't rude enough that you didn't clean up after yourself...you got this shit all over me"
again, ugly boy is silent.
"ok, are you going to say anything? do you speak english? this is ridiculous"
ugly boy finally says something along the lines of a mumbled "um...i dunno"
and he walks away. i realize there is no use in trying to get through to him, he either is brain dead or cannot deal with confrontation or grew up in a barn. so i get some napkins, come back to my seat and i am informed by gaby and rosanna that the ketchup is all over the back of my sweater as well. so i take it off and im wearing this ugly white tshirt underneath. we finish and we walk by the table where ugly boy is sitting and rosanna says "did your mother not teach you how to apologize to people?" and he says nothing. she says "would you like it if i spilled my soda all over your nice shirt and just walked away?" ugly boy finally says "well, i dont think you'd do that, would you" and she says "fuck that..learn to apologize." and we walk away. i am disheartened by the fact that im in college, and still, people do not have the decency to a. apologize b. deal with confrontation and c. clean up after themselves. disgusting, now i have no excuse not to fucking do my laundry.
bad, bad, bad mood. this weeks needs to be OVER as soon as possible.
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Comments: Read 8 or Add Your Own.
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Tuesday, October 22nd, 2002
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| Time: | 1:34 am. |
| Mood: | happy. |
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im the happiest puppy right now! and i dont know why!
theres been a lot of gay shit going on right now with the roommate situation and crap like that. long story short, hannah is moving out within the next few days. jess carmi and i are going to try our harderst to keep this room a triple for as long as possible.
also: this week is hell. my euro civ midterm is on thursday and consdering the fact that i haven't been keeping up with the reading, i have a shit load of it to do within the next few days. and physics is a bastard with the damn homeworks and other bull shit. also: friday is a special day--Brazilian Bikini Wax day! i was advised to take a codine (sp?) right before it. fuck that. im no pussy, i can take the pain. THATS RIGHT!
and then saturday! oh, saturday...i have no words to even describe :)
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Monday, October 14th, 2002
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| Time: | 2:05 pm. |
| Mood: | naughty. |
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i ruined my coffee this morning. i ordered what i usually do-grande nonfat cappucino. i decided it would be a good idea to put cinammon into my drink, so i pour some in, and take a sip and almost choke and die. it was VILE. and i realize that instead of putting cinammon in, i put NUTMEG. UGGHHH. it was disgusting, and i coudln't even ask them to make another, because i realized that the container was labeled NUTMEG and the other container was labeled CINAMMON. so i took the cinammon and tried to cover up the nutmeg taste, but it didn't really work so i drank an awful nonfat cappucino :(
im going to georgetown this afternoon with gaby. i have a few-actually, just one- important purchase to make. update about that laterrrrr.
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Sunday, October 13th, 2002
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parents weekend was enjoyable and it makes me sad that i wont be seeing them until thanksgiving. today was boring. jessica's family is taking me and gaby out for dinner with them to some nice italian place. yay. i have nothing to say :(
thirteen days and countingggggggggg.
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lickmikehunt's journal
blah.
anxious.